You see, we men were created to hunt large animals at great distances. We were meant to squint at the tropical horizon and spot our prey. Our eyes weren’t equipped to pick lice off monkey kids at close range. That was what the hairy wives did while ape men envisioned new long range missiles like wooden spears. Not much has changed today, except that man is now required to observe his wife closely.

It’s not that we men don’t look at our wives anymore. Of course we do. Wives are very important to us and that’s why we sometimes look at other people’s wives too. I know that’s besides the point, but I just thought I’d answer a preempted question like- ‘Why are you checking her out?’

Coming back to the point, when a man looks at a woman, and specifically his wife, he notices the obvious things like- smiling or frowning? Speaking or screaming? In the mood or having a headache?

In short, man looks for the macro and women expect the micro. Men also expect a micro, but the mini doesn’t suit all women. See it’s all about contexts and that’s why I shuddered when my wife asked me- ‘Guess what’s new?’

Why would she ask me this question? Is she making a point? What point? What’s new with her? With the house? With the dog? With her friends? Which friend? What’s new with me? How does she know? There was just one answer- System Overheat. This usually results in cold sweat and damp hands and a sickly sweet smile.

So as usual, I picked one context in random and said, ‘Nice table cloth!’ Wrong context, so I tried again, ‘Ah… nice dress!’ The context and the dress both had holes, it was an old night suit. Last and final try, ‘Got it… great haircut!’. Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

I got an earful, I got the couch which the dog claimed in the middle of the night, I got cold vibes and what I didn’t get was breakfast. Good thing I’m a midnight binger or I would have wasted away by mid morning.

So, I spent the rest of the day thinking of what I might have missed out. I made elaborate lists on spreadsheets with complicated formulae, skimmed through the men’s magazine on my desk and appreciated the cover girl (it was borrowed, so not technically mine, hence lighter on my bruised conscience), but the answer still evaded me. Then just as I decided to get back to work, I heard someone mention cows and it hit me- Manure!

I know it sounds abstract, but it’s rather simple. The human brain has the useful ability of linking together two absolutely diverse concepts like happiness and an Apple I-phone or in my case manure with something that girls do to their hands- Manicure!

So I called up my wife and jubilantly yelped-, “What’s new? You want to know what’s new? Hah! New manicure and I like it!” There was silence on the other side, but I knew I had nailed it with manicure. I was thinking of a grilled chicken dinner with mashed potatoes and barbeque sauce when her cold like steel voice pierced the comforting static of the phone and asked, ‘What color is my nail polish?’

I found out later it was some hybrid shade with a name straight out of science fiction. Of course, I was expected to only say pink or red or blue. However, I’m not taking any chances and in the last few days I’ve gone through brochures of three popular cosmetic brands and have the names of shades on my fingertips, not to say that I’m wearing them, but you get the point. As I said, it’s all about context and I’m not going to be caught on the wrong foot if the answer next time is ‘Pedicure’.

And no, I didn’t get grilled chicken with the works, so you vegetarians and vegans can be happy. Watch out though, I might just fling my wooden spear at you if I catch you sniggering, then you tell me what’s new!